Here are some thoughts I wrote nearly a year and a half ago (October 2012), explaining part of my desire to blog:
I think that I want to start a blog. I have been contemplating this for several years (and even purchased my URL in 2006), and now seems like a good time. I am about to make a big change. I will soon leave my full-time position – a very good one, too. I have an incredibly rewarding job, no commute, kind and accomplished colleagues, and good pay and benefits. I still sometimes ask myself why I would leave all of this behind, but deep down I sense and understand the full import of no longer working full-time at this point in my life. I desire to be more present for my family and for myself. I want to be more whole and at peace. I don’t always want to be running in many directions all at once. I usually don’t have much time to even look in the mirror during the day or much energy to sit down and reflect about what I am doing or where I’d like to be. I run from one thing to the next – never quite feeling that I can focus or complete my endeavors to my satisfaction.
Complete – that’s a word for which I strive and yet I never feel that I make it there; I desire to be more whole. I want to be more healthy, more present, more embracing, more encompassing, more patient, more relaxed, more reflective, and more content.
When I “look” at myself I see one who is tired, a bit hashed, frazzled, out of shape, weighed down, unfocused, and boring.
Deep down I know that there is a different person there. I sense the beauty, creativity, energy, focus, and potential that are uniquely within me. Do you ever feel like an untapped source? Do you ever feel a certain degree of frustration that somehow you never quite live up to your potential? Do you ever feel that despite having an incredible wealth of relationships and experiences, there is still an element of discontent or longing? Do you ever feel guilty for having these thoughts and feelings when already having so much?
Why would I want to share these deeply personal feelings on a public forum, such as a blog? Why make myself so vulnerable? As I live life, I have become increasingly committed to the journey, the process, or the way. I’ve realized that I don’t want to merely exist nor do I want to go too fast and miss being present. I want to find a way to slow down my journey so that I can truly enjoy and progress while also being balanced, intentional, and reflective. Perhaps I am looking for a forum to share my change, insights, and reflections while also learning from others.